8.31.2010

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the end of august

ok so . i guess today is what i would say . better than yesterday . i will again believe it is one of my witty saying of tomorrow is only either better or worse . anyway . i like this day better because . yesterday . i was in the midst of crying again . i really was awfully tired . and got a sermon for a reason i dont know so . well i really felt a lot sad that day . i really dont know why . maybe because almost everyone was out of the house . and i kind of had a twinge in my heart once more . well basically . the guy from my last post didnt even bother to greet me . i miss my mom . i had a sermon and all that . i really stopped myself from crying . but my tears failed me once again . it bothers me . it annoys me to hell . i wouldnt even believe it was my birthday if the calendar didnt post the oh.eight.thirty.twenty.ten on it . dang . i really was asking god why does the calendar lie ? . but basically it wouldnt . its national hero's day . it wouldnt go wrong . its just the people around me . or maybe its just me . i know its me . i feel more than an idiot again . i hate myself . i wanted to die the same day i was born . it felt like ive got no one on my side anymore . like my friend from my last post being my partner in crime now gone . ive really got no one else to depend on like our crazy schemes . its like i need to act mature . i dont feel mature . i feel more down . i feel more worthless . adding my aunt's anger on me . ive got no one to help me . with my sister on practice that same day . i felt really undeserving to live . maybe thats why i couldnt make myself eat at yanna's house . i really love that group and our presentation :] thanks for the time guys . i really appreciate the effort of making me happy that day . but i guess i really am not a very easy person to force in to being happy . i tend to be plastic . but there are times i dont make an effort to try . it seems like its not too good to tell you im good but im really not . but there are also time i just need to fake it out to please others . well i got used to the fact people dont amuse me . i never really get amused a lot . man . i have so many sides of me i never really got to know . just this third and fourth year high school of my life . man im stupid . i guess its an effort to both parties to make me at least smile and make them believe im happy . i feel numb . and dumb . i miss some person who doesnt even miss me . haha i guess he is pushing me out of his life anyway . i need a new distraction . or maybe an inspiration . i slept in what i guess late . and woke up really sleepy . well basically i got nervous due to costumes . it was all long and unusual . i dont normally go nervous on stage plays and on stage events . i got used to the weird stage of dla . but it was good i guess :] it made me laugh a lot in front of my classmates . haha . my groupmates made us open our mouths while dancing . like the one you do while cheer dancing . we look very funnie . i really couldnt stop laughing when we talked about that on the thirtieth . all that stuff and laughing of my classmates made us smile . well i guess pascal really cant get over the f4 . haha . anyway . i really cant help but be happy also . but i didnt make the effort at joining them at taking pictures of one another . its too much tupperware to bear . its not too healthy . but it made me happy teacher lan greeted me not only in facebook but hugged me at the teachers nook :] i felt really happy she did :] normal teachers wouldnt even notice my birthday . oh sir erbert greeted me through facebook also :] that made me happy too :] but he didnt bother anymore at class . im not one of his favorites . in recitations maybe . but not those who he really hangs out with . i kinda feel jelous O.o i honestly dont know why also O.o anyway . one again i didnt like physics session . because he made us do venn diagrams . blah blah :| also in tle . sir was out again . maybe for his badminton team again . nothing new i guess ? maybe i just dont know the details . anyway . i got a new product design . haha . its hard T.T haha ! my own product design annoys me . haha . anyway . it looks better than my abstract design of the product . haha ! well it annoyed me he didnt let me join the discussion of new products for the second quarter . but what can i do about it anyway ? . so it looks entirely different . and entirely better . haha . i failed that stupid first design . haha . i wonder what our grade for filipino day is ? O.o i felt a lot better today . i guess maybe another bad one for tomorrow ? wish me luck i guess . tomorrow is wednesday anyway . its cat day . and im guessing ill remove the other event i always do every wednesday and saturday nights . anyway . i need to sleep . before i break down again . oh another song for him .


~the infatuation is always there Typecast

don't understand, what you're trying to say
no need to say it i am leaving
but don't walk away, just stay right there
i'll fall, and i'll just look at you
i'll just look at you, i'll just look at you
i'll just look at you

don't know why, i always feel like this
it's hard to breath when you're around
your big blue eyes, are driving me to sleep
the space is tearing me, i'll stay please stay
i'll stay please stay, i'll stay please stay
i'll stay please stay

words are not important, smiles are all i need from you
the yearning, is getting stronger i'm dumb
i hope you like me too

you're two tables away, and you could see me mesmerize
i wanna talk to you but i'm so scared
before i never cared, the infatuation's never there
and now it's killing me, i really hate myself
i really hate myself, i really hate myself
i really hate myself

words are not important, smiles are all i need from you
the yearning, is getting stronger i'm dumb
i hope you like me too
words are not important, smiles are all i need from you
the yearning, is getting stronger i'm dumb
i hope you like me too

im going back to typecast i guess ? its kind of senti . but i guess it fits my mood . good night . still miss my friend

~distressedloser

8.29.2010

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shoot me through

before you read . note:
this blog is very self centered . . pls forgive me if you will not appreciate it

ok . so its my time to shine . and the same time to weep . well basically i feel kind of awful . and . the reason is . because . someone hates me . but he isnt telling me the truth why . so here i am supposing . that i am once more an eyesore for anyone who meets me by . its really unfair . i feel wasted . its like he just blew up our friendship . we have been through an awful lot . and its really not good that he just threw away our friendship like some kind of garbage which means i am a waste in his life . its really not good also not being without him . i like have a thousand stories to tell almost everyday . . . . but now . im blocked . and annoyed . and hurt . there is this feeling i got used to his presence . and i really cant think straight . i know in myself i did not do anything wrong to make him hate me . it feels like i lost a something once more . but this time its hard to trust if i could still find it . well i have to say . i adjusted almost my personality for every person i like to be with . like hazel garcia wanting me to be more responsible . like anthea always being at her side . also like arjone never used to having me annoyed or her hurting me . anyway . the point is . i changed because of him too . im just not sure . but some others noticed it . i know in myself there are a lot to count . i feel awful . like i was only used for a purpose . like im not a friend . anyway . i look like a toy . so why bother treat me as a person right ? i get it . thats why i was depressed . im having my self esteem lowered once more . thats why its a heart break . tsk . this is more than bitch slap . weit . what am i talking about . he's a guy . tsk . such a loser once more . wrecked body . i feel distorted . rawr ! i have to say . for me . he has no right to block me from his friend list . from his life . well basically there are a lot of things . and memories we promised and care for . man . this is so unfair for me . breaking everything we have . even connections . its like im a stranger to you once more . like . argh i dont know where to put myself in your life anymore . well basically i used think in myself that . you will be one of the persons in my life that i will not forget about whatever happens . like comrades not moving without the other . but i guess i was just an illusion . not a something you will need someday . just a paper to right on for today . a note you will need for a period of time . and a paper you will throw away someday . i feel that i dont want to be recycled by someone else . its really depressing to think that . i cared for you and you will treat me like this . im guessing we wasted our time together . the small and big events we done . our simple joys and glorious hours . every achievement . disregarded . what a simple answer of rejection . for a very deep meaning of friendship for me . typecast is piercing me to the bones . ill just put the lyrics if i have to . haha . ill just put it later maybe . ahm . im guessing i am very redundant by now . still . it hurts to think . the person you have always trusted and gave up a lot of time for to be together with pushed you away from his life like junk . my heart hurts :[

~boston drama Typecast

Standard pick-up lines that seems to wreck your bones
Can this be a sequel of my dying hope?
Chasing down a never ending make-believe
But you're a perfect match of consistency

Will you come back in a heartbeat?
Don't be confused of what a great thing we could be
We'll take a walk on the same street
Can you tell me how Boston is like without me?

You're image is stamp beneath the insides of my heart
Now you're gone I don't know where to start
The evidence is showing like a stable apprehension
But you're the only one who's apt for this affection


~my heroine Silverstein

the drugs began to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer.

You wont try to save me
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate.

You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine.

You won't leave me alone
Chisel my heart out of stone
I give in everytime.

You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine

I bet you laugh
At the thought of me thinking for myself (myself)
I bet you believe (bet you believe)
That I'm better off with you than someone else

Your face arrives again
All hope I had becomes surreal
But under your cover's
More torture than pleasure
And just past your lips
There's more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on I'll break you, my habit

You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine


~~disregardedloser

8.21.2010

1 discriminations

chore problem O.o

annoyance once more prevails my insides . it annoys me once more that my aunt shouts all over the house at the top of her lungs . trying to annoy us all . well i can say i can do all of that . if . for one . she would make a list and just shut up . number two . let me do what i want FIRST . then ill do her chores . even her lecturing . it looks like she is cursing with a voo doo doll in hand . freaky O.o . haha . with my personality . i know i need to take care of my hair fall now x] haha ! i might see a real shaman x] haha . or maybe . my cough would kill me first x] . haha . anyway . i have to say . i have lots of fans and its scary now O.o seriously . ran isnt very good at times . people think its good to just stalk somebody they dont even know personally . its both annoying and scary . well basically ill just pretend i have a boyfriend in ran x] minus problems x] anyway . i have to say some thing first O.o i know in myself i can do house chores . but . i really like the feeling of cleaning a house when i do it with no one is talking and maybe [just maybe] i would like to do that stuff alone . maybe like the summer 2 years ago . it was always just me and my sister in this house . it made me feel at ease to clean house . with no one shouting and making me do what they want . i like the feeling of i pick up things with my own will and not someone directing me to do it so . oh ! haha i have an observation . but its kind of evil . haha . well basically i think that it is my aunt and her aunt's behavior to mutter things to themselves . its really weird . and basically not good to the ears . -____- anyway ill blog maybe later . need to do a reaction paper i guess O.o


loves
~distressed :]

8.14.2010

3 Comments

im back '

ok so my im really back to blogging . ive got a new perspective now . i guess i dont need to make my blog posts too long . it actually causes me to stop . so for now on . ill just post whatever and whenever i feel like stopping . i actually deleted lots of drafts . i get so bored and just delete them . and im guessing . its kind of a waste . this blog is made for me to express anyways . so ill just pin it to that . so anyways . yesterday was august 13 2O1O . the day when i first made my blog post here in blogger . [it just popped out of my head] so happy anniversary . i guess O.o anyways i guess its not always friday the thirteenth the scarily unlucky day . its really kind of happy :] i guess i dont want to elaborate more . but i dont feel anymore . so anyways . friday was really lovely for me . and today was really tiring . :| i feel my body all the way exhausted . i almost feel sick . but i kind of thank god i dont get my body temperature high here in this house . well basically its 12 and my head hurts more . haha . stupid me . so today ive got cat and i am really not in the mood to study today because of the cat . oh btw . i kind of slept on the afternoon . thats new O.O and oh ! a few days ago we got a package from italy . we have new games for nitendo ds ;] well we kind of call it DSP . my baby sister kind of mixed PSP and nitendo DS . its kind of cool . you call call either of the 2 dsp x] anyways . i feel kind of wasted . really . my eyes head and throat hurt . and i have again the feeling of not being important . haha . im such a loser . haha . dang . i suddenly forgot everything im supposed to blog about maybe its just too deep in the night and my head feeling sore . i guess ill just try to blog tomorrow . i love you blog ^_~ miss you ♥


literally
~distressed
a total
~loser